Prayer Rolls (continuously updated)

Unlike other Christians that I won’t name, our policy is to pray for lost souls, not to damn them to an eternity with the Beast of Hellfire. Whether a soul is damned is strictly between that soul and the God of Wisdom, so it is none of our business to do the damning. Since a tear rolls down the cheek of Jesus every time a lost Soul is lost, we beseech God and his Glorious Son through prayer so that The Son won’t cry so much from the sorrow of lost souls.

This section of our interweb will be continuously updated as we run across lost souls who are a looking for God’s help.

A prayer for the souls of the Baptists for Brownback

Dear God The Father of Love–These Good Christian white, but excessively judgmental People have become lost on the path to Your Way, and have come to be under the spell of the False Prophet Sen. Sam Brownback, who, for just one example, as President would allow a white woman to have an abortion if she was impregnated by a black man, or a Mexican. As horrible as that sounds, that in no way justifies killing an unborn baby boy or girl, even one who will have such a dark mark against him or her in our Culture. President Rep. Tom Tancredo would NEVER allow abortion UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER because he does not pretend to know YOUR PLAN. He just knows that when YOU mix protoplasm between a man and a woman that You are Accomplishing Your Great Mystery’s on this Earth and we do not have the Majesty of Your knowledge to know why!

A prayer for SEN. Sam Brownback

Dear God and His Brave Son Jesus–Please have mercy and love on the soul of Sen. Sam Brownback who, like the proverbial High Priest of Scripture, has Elevated himself to think he is the equal of You, or at least equal to a Great Prophet or an Apostle or something like that. Please give Sen. Sam Brownback your Loving Humilty by making him come in last in the Iowa Straw Polls, while elevating your humble servant Rep. Tom Tancredo to First in those very same polls. Help Sen. Sam Brownback see Your Light and Resign his campaign for the Presidential nomination by Christians, so that his support among his well-intended but misguided followers will be redirected to Rep. Tom Tancredo.

A prayer for the soul of PZ Meyers

Dear God of Enduring Love, The atheist evilutionist and liberal elite college professor PZ Meyers has lost The Way and says some of the MOST hateful things about Your Work on this Earth and Republic that it is easy to understand why good Christians would pray for the Absolute Damnation of his soul to an eternity in the Hellfire of the Beast. The darkness of his Soul must cause you at least as much pain as do the souls of Muslims and Jews. Dear God, please find in Your great Heart warmth to share in the heart of PZ Meyers, or otherwise, he will continue to perform the Demon’s Duty and steal other souls from you. And please make it difficult for the computers of children and teenagers to visit his many websites where he proclaims his Dark Message of despair and secularization so that their impressionable bodies and minds are not brought under his spell.

A Prayer for roopster

Dear God in Heaven, Please return America to its Glory, a time when Her humble Christians were a glory the whole world admired! Brother roopster longs for those days so much that he has lost Faith in your Goodness. A good start would include installing Rep. Tom Tancredo as President of the Republic of The United States of America Under God.

A prayer for the souls of companies that offer help in mexican language

Dear God of the Universe, I apologize for the rage in my heart, but I have decided that I cannot and will not do any further business with companies with automatic phone answering systems that offer callers a mexican language alternative when calling to inquire about their credit card balance, TV reception, cell phone minutes remaining, and so forth and so on. If YOU intended mexican to be the language of This Great Republic, I am sure in your wisdom you would have made our founding fathers speak the language or otherwise put it in the Constitution. But they did not. Therefore, we can assume you intended Americans to SPEAK ENGLISH.

I am sorry for the souls of all the companies who will lose money in this boycott, but most of those companies outsource these operations to places like China and India, and only employ buddhists and muslims who are stealing Christian American Jobs anyway.

And Dear Sweet God, please ask your Children to help me with this boycott when they pray to you tonight. You are So Gracious in Everything You do for Your Children!!

A prayer for Matt Sanchez, doing the Lord’s Work in Iraq

Dear God the Father of Heaven, Please protect the corporeal spirit and body of Matt Sanchez, who is on tour for Fox News in Iraq so he can Reveal Your Truth about the Surge and how well it is working. Mr Sanchez is also showing videos on the interwebs of his interactions with the indigenous people of the area. Especially heart warming is this video where he gives gifts to and interviews impoverished muslim boys. This heartwarming picture shows the boys as a metaphor for the spiritual poverty of islam and the magnificence of the Christian gift to them, represented by Mr. Sanchez. I pray that you warm the hearts of those muslim boys so they will accept Jesus and stay in their own country and not come to our Republic so they can help fix Iraq when Our Troops are gone and they grow up.

A Prayer for the Republic Faith Ministries

God of Holiness and Wonder! Thank you for prayers answered, for imbuing the humble and just Mrs. TD Gaines-Crockett and her Colleagues in Christ at Baptists for Brownback 2008 with Your Just Wisdom and Holy Knowledge. Because of Your Work, they have now rightly foresaken the Unholy Sen Sam Brownback. We marvel at how you peeled back the darkness that covered their eyes, so they could see him as a man of gay homosexual tendencies (eg, consortment with kilt wearers, fascination with Interstate Highway Rest Areas) and a papist and idolatrator. Thank you for showing Mrs TDG-C that Brownback could NOT properly lead this Great Dominion back to Your Glory. Thank you and your Son Jesus for your humble suffering by the actions of your Servants on this Earth.

A Prayer for the cast and crew of Midwest Teen Sex Show

Dear God of Revelation and Mystery, the cast and crew of Midwest Teen Sex Show have been beset by a Demon’s Trap, and are now using the Interwebs to promote Fornication Among the Young, in addition to acts of Grievous perversion and perversity.  They seek to Reveal to 13 year old boys and girls the all of the many Mysteries of Your Human Flesh, beyond the bounds of Holy Matrimony.  They even sacrilege your Holy House by suggesting it be used to Fornicate.  They speak of Great Evils including Self-Fornication and Gay Homosexuality Behavior.  Normally I would ask you to send the Holy Spirit to cleanse and chastise these lost souls, but my recommendation in this case is that you immediately and with extreme prejudice Ban them to the Fires of Hell.

A prayer for Evan at the Break the Terror interblog

Father of God in Heaven, Who gave this world Rep. Tom Tancredo just as You did Your very own suffering Son, Jesus the Christ, who in His time was a well-regarded heterosexual without even a hint of homosexual debauchary, and who was subjected to the Holiest of Rendition and Torture by the Jewish leaders and followers of his day, including agents of the Roman Empire acting at their behest, all so that our Souls could be with you for all Eternity, please keep a wary eye on Evan at the Break the Terror interblog, a self-styled mouthpiece of the Mainstream Homosexual Agenda.  He not only may not be fit for membership in Your Eternal kingdom, he is strongly suspected of engaging in and advocating for the adoption of unsuspecting baby Christian boys and girls by homosexual couples.

27 Responses to “Prayer Rolls (continuously updated)”

  1. Paul Hands Says:

    You are a bunch of total idiots.
    There is no god, there is no jesus – that fictional character never even existed.
    The bible is a load of disconnected bullshit – it should be called the babble.

  2. Mike O'Risal Says:

    Hey Rev,

    Could you say a prayer for Deb Serio of Forest, VA? Our Lord painted his face with blacktop sealant on her garage floor and what’d she do? She had someone jackhammer it out and then sold it on eBay for a mere $1525.69. That’s probably what 30 silver shekels are worth these days!

    See for more info.


  3. Some Guy Says:

    Could you possibly be any more smug, patronizing, and ridiculous?

    Didn’t think so.

  4. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    Dear brother Hands
    Burn into your memory this day, this moment. For you will grow to know it was the Day Eternity Changed For You. I hear your cry for salvation and will implore God to work in your favor.

  5. garth Says:

    I need you to pray for the guy in the Chevy S-10 who ran the red light on the left turn lane southbound Center City Dr. He obviously doesn’t know Jesus if he would make a dumbass move like that. Also, who do I pray to to get someone killed? I’d like to pray a hit on someone. I’m not telling you who it is ha ha! If killing is out is kneecapping okay? Jesus could kneecap someone I bet, go all Gillooly on em.

  6. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    Your sins are awful and hurtful, but nothing like the sins of those who are on my prayer roll. So if you are trying to get on my prayer roll, it won’t work.

    And although I am a man and not a Spirit of God, I may not have the power of damnation, but I do have the power of interweb moderation.

  7. Some Other guy Says:

    Hipple, You are a crazy mo-fo. Deranged. But I wonder who is more deranged: you or people who follow you.

  8. M Says:

    Um…you misspelled “evolution”.

  9. JasoNF Says:

    And I pray that believers turn their eyes away from the many holy books written by men, and towards the book of nature, for though the book of nature has fewer flamboyant characters in it, it is no less awe-inspiring, and, oh-yes, it also hapens to exist.


  10. Aaron Kinney Says:

    **automatically deleted hateful and sinful remarks not in the best interests of the Candidacy of Rep. Tom Tancredo**

  11. Rich Says:

    So it doesn’t bother you fruitcakes that you are not rational? You revel in your insanity. You need help. I suggest therapy, not begging to your imaginary friend.

  12. God Says:

    **sacrilege that pains Jesus**

  13. Ed Darrell Says:

    Can we buy mementos of this site at Landover Baptist?

  14. Alex Says:

    Haha, I’m a teenager and I just started visiting Pharyngula recently. Perhaps your god helped me find the site?

  15. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    I am Certain God brought you here!! He works in such Wonderful Ways, doesn’t He!! If you are too young to vote for Tom Tancredo this time around, perhaps you will be old enough in 2012 when he is up for re-election?


  16. Roger Says:

    **automatically deleted hateful and sinful remarks not in the best interests of the Candidacy of Rep. Tom Tancredo**

  17. rasputin5 Says:

    “automatically edited comments not in the best interests of God or Rep. Tom Tancredo” Keep up the good work. If you can take in the skeptics this easily, you should have a huge following among the Jesus people.

  18. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    Praise the Lord colleague rasputin5!!! Your words warm my soul.

    I see my heresy catcher has automatically deleted the first part your comments. I don’t know what you wrote, but the rest of your comment was so Lovely, I can’t imagine why. I may have to adjust the catcher to a less severe setting.

    I don’t suppose you are looking for a youth league to join?

  19. seafaringstranger Says:

    “Therefore, we can assume you intended Americans to SPEAK ENGLISH.”

    If God intended for Americans to speak English, why didn’t He make English the official language of the United States? The US has no official language. However, some states do. For example, Louisiana’s official languages are English and French. Hmmm…

  20. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    Brother or Sister Seafaringstranger-

    Thank you for the opportunity to provide some clarification by asking you a few simple questions:

    Is the Constitution written in French?

    Is the Declaration of Independence written in French?

    Are the 10 Commandments written in French?

    Did Hurricane Katrina strike any other state where French is not the official language?

    (it hit just enough of Mississippi to wipe out the casinos, which are little more than monuments to pagan idolitrists and the perversions and acts of perversity that occur there)

  21. Abdul O'Malley Says:

    I certainly hope you turn your attention to the outrage of foreign language education in our TAXPAYER FUNDED public schools. You must agree that if the English Language was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for all Americans as well.

  22. seafaringstranger Says:

    The 10 Commandments were originally written in Hebrew. The Declaration of Independence is written in English; of course, the language is slightly different from what we hear and read today in colloquial English language and in the newspapers. What I do find interesting is that the Framers were not all born in the United States, nor were all the signers of the Declaration of Independence. So of course they are going to bring with them their own dialects and way of saying things.

    I thought I should answer your questions before heading out. I find your blog amusing. Have a good life… assuming you do have one…

  23. Ned Hasler Says:

    Burn into YOUR memory this perfect thought: You are totally wrong about “your god.” I know this because He told me so, twice today alone. He finds your continuous petty prayers to be humorously misdirected and obviously self-serving. What you mistake for piety and purity is in fact your own brand on hedonism. You know this in your heart to be true and I urge you to stop lying about the real God. He does not bother with your sort – the sort that believes forcing belief is His way. Your type starts wars and kill. Do you find that better than fornication? Fornication created you. Do not disparage His ways any further. Save the world around you and remove your tongue.

  24. BigDawgTE Says:

    I know I am breaking protocol here, but this site is remarkably funny. I cannot believe the number of people who disagree with your pretend point of view and argue loudly and at length with your hoax – even funnier. As a mixed race child of two illegal immigrants, it is good to know that you are really on my side, as I live off of the fat of the American Land. Perhaps I will apply the model of your interweb site to start a movement against you and other imperialist ideas that I hate (insert evil laugh).

    P.S. Bless you.

  25. Patriot Says:

    Dear Rev. Hipple,
    Thank you for your great work in helping Jesus and Rep. Tancredo rid our great country of Mexicans, homosexuals and Democrats. I have a question for you: is it okay for a true Christian and Patriot to speed their work along a little by eliminating a few evildoers himself?
    A follow up question, just in case the answer is no: what if I already did? How much would I have to donate to the Tancredo campaign to make things right with the Lord?

  26. Hipple, Rev. Paul T. Says:

    Dear Brother or Sister Patriot (if that is your real name, Mr ATF Agent)-

    I will give you the standard advice I always give Conservative Christians who are thinking about helping to remove evildoers from our Midst:

    Pray to God the Lord to rid our Dominion of the Evildoers. Trust that God will answer your Earnest Prayers, as He did when He sent us Gov George W. Bush and Rep Richard Cheney, who would have had the muslim solution licked had he been given one more term in office.


    Our prisons are designed for the most part to house the mexicans and the negroes, not God-Fearing, Right-minded Patriots such as Rep Tom Tancredo and ourselves.

    Award Winning Interblogger

  27. Christians don't discriminate what sacred texts we burn … « Jesus in the Media Says:

    […] Scarlett. 1799 A Revised Translation and Interpretation of the Sacred Scriptures; J.M. Ray. …Dominionists for Tancredo/Palin… –… Go to Source Posted by msajdak New Testament Subscribe to RSS […]

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