Jesus our Christ was waterboarded by the Jews and Negro elements of the Roman Guard to save humanity from original sin and to open up the Gates of Eternity to those of us who have accepted Jesus as our personal friend and Savior.
Since Jesus is an historical constant, things today aren’t any different. Only back in His day, the term crucification was a handy euphemism for the term we use today: waterboarding.
But don’t you think for one minute that Jesus the Christ wasn’t waterboarded. He was! And he accepted this fate gladly and so should we.
A direct consequence of this most Sacred Act of Torture is the growth of a wonderful culture of Christian faith that celebrates this Magnificant Act, which has spread throughout the world, culminating in the Glorious Dominion of the United States of America under God which stands at the pinnacle of His Creation.
Clearly, this historic act of Benevolent Torture indicates that God the Father not only condones torture, but that torture has always been a part of His Divine Plan for us. God believes waterboarding can be as useful an Instrument of Justice as any other.
Some people, usually the dark-sided people, falsely proclaim that waterboarding is unChristian. But that doesn’t make any logical sense. If God didn’t condone waterboarding, why in the heck would he have based entirely His Kingdom on Earth on the basis of a simple act of Holy Torture?
Therefore, Waterboarding and other acts of torture that are necessary to persuade islamofascists and other enemies to reveal military information, hidden locations of Weapons of Mass Destruction, turban bombs, and plans of Horrific islamoterrorism are completely consistent with Christian Principles that date back a couple millennium! The War against Arabs can only be won when we finally convert all of these unfortunate peoples to our peaceful religion, and waterboarding will prove to be an important instrument to achieve such conversion.
Unfortunately, we have Republican Presidential Candidates who fail to see this Divine Logic. Unlike Rep. Tom Tancredo, who is a stronger proponent of Waterboarding than even Patient V.P. Richard Cheney, both Capt. Sen. John McCain and Dr. Rep. Ron Paul are vigorously anti-waterboarding, and, in the unlikely event that either would ever be elected President, have promised to dismantle our current highly effective, waterboarding-based culture of foreign policy, that which Baseball Owner President George W. Bush has worked steadfastly to erect.
Clearly, any candidate who is anti-torture has forsaken a key lesson from his Christian upbringing and has become unChristian. Our Dominion has far too many unChristian illegal aliens as it is, and we certainly don’t need one to occupy the Whitehouse. And the need to continue to use Waterboarding as an Instrument of Divine Justice , whether or not we call it torture, will not go away after the upcoming election.
Waterboarding is a Gift from God that He wants us to use and we should Embrace this gift with all of our hearts and use it with all of our God-given abilities.