Truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain, who can’t seem to shake suspicions that he is an agent for a possible extrasolar alien life form intent upon seeking galactic hegemony, is the subject of some more new and damaging revelations this morning.
One of which is so shocking, and I will get to it last, its very nature renders his continued candidacy for President of Our Dominion in serious jeopardy.
One new issue of no great concern are reports that he was previously sued by a couple of
his bitches former aides for sexual harassment during his highly successful tenure as a Washington DC fast food industry lobbyist and insider.
But experts agree that this should not hurt his candidacy because of the well-known proclivity of subordinate women in the workplace, especially in sanctuary cities like the nation’s capital, to incite Male Urgings by dressing like tramps and Jezebels so they can creat false and trumped up Charges for Profit.
How to spot these women is pretty easy. They are well known for their inability to provide acceptable relations to their men at home, and frequently come from a culture of govt entitlement dependency, making them unreliable and untrustworthy witnesses in the extreme, no matter if they win their cases or not.
In second minor issue, we here at Dominionists for Tancredo, despite hours spent in deep Prayerful Diligence seeking Guidance from Our Lord, have not yet been able to Ascertain whether it is true that truck stop Pizza Mogul has sired a White child out of wedlock, as shocking widely circulated rumors seem to indicate. So we will not comment on those rumors here, at this time, until we get more facts and additional Prayerful Guidance from Jesus.
Additionally, Truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain has also recently confused Conservative Christian Voters by first claiming, then denying he ever claimed that as President he would promote the death of little unborn baby boys and girls under certain Politically Correct circumstances, such is in cases of rape and incest.
Presumably after a Prayerful Moment with God and his staff, truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain has backtracked on this issue. Irrespective, he now holds a position that is perfectly coherent with Conservative Christian values, which is that God wants all of his babies to be born and has a Special Purpose for each.
For example, maybe God gives little unborn babies to rape and incest victims so that these ladies can experience the Joy of Sacred Forgiveness? Their babies need fathers in their lives, so God guides these woman to open their hearts to their attackers to create with them a stable, loving Christian home as a heterosexual Husband and Wife. Most pro-Abortionists simply fail to see this Wisdom.
In yet a third controversy, those of us who monitor the Conservative Christian credentials of our Candidates were recently forced to demand that truck stop Pizza Mogul retract his mistaken admonition that smoking cigarettes is not cool, after the Political Correctness Police controversy enveloped him upon release of his Award-Winning Campaign Ad.
We now know that the coolest thing in All of Creation is to be a Free American, one who enjoys ALL of our God-Given Jeffersonian Constitutional Rights and Freedoms.
We celebrate Cool American Freedoms in many ways, such as smoking as many cigarettes as we wish, wherever we wish; by carrying concealed handguns and shooting them how and when and at whom we please; by riding our motorcycles without helmets and driving our pickup trucks without seat belts; and finally, by mounting our women without condoms using whatever orifice is convenient in the moment.
It is not a flip-flop if you are tricked into saying you made a mistake by saying something you know your constituency doesn’t believe. Conservative Christians have forgiven this transgression because truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain blurted out his unfortunately misguided admonition against smoking while trapped in a diabolical act of “Gotcha Journalism” treachery committed by a well-known MSM/liberal TV personality who for decades has been suspected of taking bribes to serve as a front line propagandist for the democrat Party.
But don’t get me wrong, we are NOT defending truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain. We at Dominionists for Tancredo have made no secret of our skepticism over not only the candidacy of truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain (and all other candidates other than Rep Tom Tancredo), but even over his relationship to the Human Species. We have never trusted that negro and in all probability we never will trust him.
In my Night Time visions last night, God instructed me to ask the google this morning about truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain’s use of certain visual aids during his speechifying. What I awoke to find was more shocking and deeply disturbing than anything I have ever seen before or since.
What I found was clear and unequivocal evidence that truck stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain speechifies with the use of teleprompters!
Of all of his problems and controversies, this one will be his undoing. Truck stop Pizza Mogul would have a good chance of wiggling himself out of any number of controversies. He could survive, for example, proposing to raise taxes on the job creators, to increase the budget for the EPA, to enact new regulations designed to strangle our businesses, and so on.
But it should be clear to everybody by now that what this Dominion most does not need is another 4 years of yet another Uppity politician who cannot speak for himself and can only get by from reading the words that others have written for him.
We KNOW Barry Soeterro Hussein Obama is FAKE not only because nobody credible will stand up and claim they saw his birth, and because of his use of a teleprompter to arrogantly spout the lies of his cabal of Sorosian handlers.
These days, if you want the Conservative Christian voter to vote for someone else, the best thing you can do is use a teleprompter.